i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
