just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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