wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
