as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
