There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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