If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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