My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
