Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Such a big mess for such a small penis
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
