You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
