when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
