I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
