____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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