my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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