frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
