I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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