I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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