TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
