Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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