Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
