Have you finally orgasmed yet?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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