don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
