cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My hand turned me down
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
