RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
