omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The best revenge is premature balding
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
