I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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