I just cut my nipple shaving
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
