I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
