i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
