the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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