Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
