you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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