Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
