rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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