My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
