I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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