did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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