the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
