It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
