my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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