pop tarts are not kleenex
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize