....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
