i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think I am morally bankrupt
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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