All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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