You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
