Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
the liver wants what the liver wants
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
