her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
