i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
