Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
