after a month anything with tits is on the radar
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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