your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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