So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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