how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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