I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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