Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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