Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
