I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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