What did we do last night that was yellow?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
