went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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